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"It's fruit cake weather. Fetch our buggy. Help me find my hat."
-- Truman Capote. A Christmas Memory.
Fruitcake Jokes
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Fruitcake Jokes Fruitcake Jokes

We’ve all heard them – the infamous fruitcake jokes. Why is history like a fruit cake? Because it is full of dates! Why do fruitcakes make ideal gifts? Because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. The Favorite Fruit Cake Recipe is always popular.

We’ve all heard them – the infamous fruitcake jokes! “Why is history like a fruit cake? Because it is full of dates!” “Why do fruitcakes make ideal gifts? Because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them”. And then there is everybody’s favorite fruit cake recipe: Nuts, dried fruit, eggs, brown sugar, salt and a couple bottles of bourbon – for the chef.

In spite of the jokes fruit cake, if properly made, is delicious. Good fruitcake calls for top quality fruits and nuts with just enough buttery-rich batter to hold them together, careful baking and several weeks to “mellow” wrapped in cloth soaked with fine liquors. It is a slow process but one that pays off with rich, colorful, buttery fruitcakes that are as good in mid-summer as they are for Christmas. Enjoy fruitcakes of exceptional quality.

How Does Fruitcake fit in at the Royal Wedding?

See how serious Prince William and Kate Middleton are about their Fruit Cake!! Try one of our legendary fruit cakes today to see what all the fuss is about!

Favorite Fruit Cake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
bottle of whiskey

Procedure:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

We hope you enjoy the fruit cake jokes. If you know one please send it to us at info@CoffeeCakes.com. But please remember, our rich buttery fruit cakes are definitely not a joke.

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Product InformationView Gift Tote & Other Gift Packaging Options
Assumption Abbey Fruit Cake
Assumption Abbey Fruit Cake


Our best selling Fruit Cake!


A rich dark fruit cake from the dedicated monks at the Assumption Abbey Trappist monastery in Ava, Missouri. This fruit cake is one of our favorites. Striking a perfect balance between cake, nuts, fruit and rum, this fruit cake doesn’t have too much of any one thing. Two pound fruit cake serves 7-8. This cake makes a great gift, the cake is presented in a tasteful white tin with a picture of the Trappist Monks on the label.


Assumption Abbey Fruit Cake


Assumption Abbey Fruitcakes are among this country's finest. Celebrating 25 years of baking in 2013!


Product Information

 

Item #: CC0041

Product Highlights

Include note card with personalized gift message :
Custom Gift Wrap :
Price : $39.95
Out of Stock
Grandma’s Famous Fruit and Nut Cake Individually Wrapped Slices
Grandma’s Famous Fruit and Nut Cake Individually Wrapped Slices


If you like fruit cake this is a great way to enjoy it at work or on the go, just throw it in your backpack, briefcase or purse!


We have taken slices of our Grandma's Famous Fruit & Nut Cake and conveniently wrapped each piece individually. Each slice contains a combination of ripe fancy cherries, fresh succulent pineapples, golden raisins, crunchy almonds, seedling pecans, English walnuts and just the right amount of bonded American bourbon, imported brandies and rum. Individually sliced, they’re easy to take with you – in the lunchbox, in the briefcase, or for just a little indulgence. This Grandma’s Original Fruit and Nut cake package of 26 slices serves approximately 12 and will keep for at least six months if stored in a cool, dry space or the refrigerator. A great fruit cake for any time of year and an especially good Christmas cake. Our 20 ounce Original Fruit and Nut cake individually wrapped slices are great on-the-go.
 

Item #: CC0029

Product Highlights

Send a Free Personalized Greeting Card with your gift. Select at checkout.
Include note card with personalized gift message :
Include Custom Gift Tote :
Custom Gift Wrap :
Price : $20.95
Out of Stock
Chocolate Fruitcake
Chocolate Fruitcake
We add ambrosia cocoa to our Grandma’s traditional fruitcake from the original 1917 recipe, we blend the combination of ripe fancy cherries, succulent pineapples, golden raisins, crunchy almonds, pecans, walnuts and chocolate make a true


chocolate lovers treat! This 1 lb. gift box serves 7-8 and keeps for six months if stored in a cool, dry place. If opened be sure to reseal and store in refrigerator.
 

Item #: CC0031

Product Highlights

Include note card with personalized gift message :
Include Custom Gift Tote :
Custom Gift Wrap :
Price : $22.95
Out of Stock
Grandma’s  Famous  Fruit & Nut Cake Ring
Grandma’s Famous Fruit & Nut Cake Ring


Fruitcake - From the original 1917 recipe that blends nature's finest flavors through a long, lazy, gentle mellowing process. A great fruit cake for any time of year and an especially good Christmas cake.


The secret to Grandma’s Classic Fruit & Nut Cake is a combination of ripe fancy cherries, fresh succulent pineapples, golden raisins, crunchy almonds, seedling pecans, English walnuts and just the right amount of bonded American bourbon, imported brandies and rum. This Original Fruit and Nut cake is moist and a beauty to behold. Grandma’s Original Fruit and Nut two-pound ring cake serves 7-8 generously and will keep for at least six months if stored in a cool, dry space. If opened reseal lightly in plastic and store in the refrigerator.
 

Item #: CC0028

Product Highlights

Send a Free Personalized Greeting Card with your gift. Select at checkout.
Include note card with personalized gift message :
Custom Gift Wrap :
Price : $28.95
Out of Stock
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